late thirties

tonight i'm going home to sleep. i'll drive the eight odd miles to the house i am unable to keep any more and sleep next to my missus in my comfy bed.

still, a productive day today.

i got my car fixed by one of my regulars, okay, so it was a hundred quid, but if i'd have gone to bmw it would have cost four hundred, so all's well there.

i started my bankruptcy fund. £40 a week for nine weeks equals enough to go bankrupt, all i have to do is to keep people away for that long and continue living the lie.

and a good night on beer sales.

i still have to write to my bank, the tax man and the vat people. i'll do that tomorrow.

also, it seems to be going well on the 'best in show' internet vote scam. my step daughters friends and their friends are voting for me, i wonder if th eorganisers will notice over 1000 votes, or if they'll think it's a bit strange, only time will tell i guess.

onwardsinto disparity then, catch ya tomorrow. we shut in the day so i get to sort out everything that i can. always fun, except i have to recoat the lounge i painted today.

sleep well.

well today i've started my bankruptcy fund. i'm amazed that, if you have no money you have to save up 500 quid to say you've got no money and have the grief whilst you're trying to save this money.

sorry mate, i don't have any money to give you, i have to give it to the court when i've saved some up.

still, i've set a date, now i just have to sort everything out before the time comes.

my partner is being fab, she's packed the old house up and is working like a trooper to get everything ready. if i was her, i'd have left me by now, fortunately she is not me, but then i guess i'm a quitter and she's not.

i enetered a painting of mine into an exhibition and now i'm trying to get my stepdaughter to get all of her mates to vote fo rit so i get an exhibition of my own. did i mention i 'paint'? well, when i sold my business over a year ago i took a year out to paint. what a joke that was.

i always said that to motivate myself i had to lose everything. maybe i attempted the self fulfilling prophecy theory, but to be honest, i'm not sure how i got into this state. i know how i accrued the credit card debt and the overdraft, but the not being able to pay my mortgage or other bills is beyond me.

so now i owe over twenty grand and have no way of paying it back. by being bankrupt, i can't continue as a licensee and i can't go back to being an estate agent so it's not a small thing. but it does mean i have to do something.

first things first, i need to decorate this place so the missus and kids can move in. aim to complete by wednsday, two days time!!

so, sleep beckons, wake early and paint the lounge before i open. so here we go, catch ya tomorrow.

another day done and i worked out today i'm a solitary kind of guy.

anyway, just thought i'd pass that on before i go to sleep.

laters.

one moment, let me just light this fag.

okay, that feels better, not the inhalation, rather the smoke drifting upwards and the uncomfortableness of the fag in my left hand whilst i type. i've got one of the step daughters friends, who also works for me, naked in the room next door, my two dogs at my feet and two kittens running around the landing.

if i havent mentioned it before, i run a pub, hence the landing rather than office or lounge or even bedroom.

so, why do i smoke, lets face it, at 38 i should know better. my partner gave up five years ago after her kids nagged her to death until she did it. to be honest, that's probably one of the reasons i still smoke, to show my independence ro should that be indifference to others views. plus of course, anythign to hasten a natural death.

i started at 15 i think. i was a bit of a misfit at school, i hung around with the cool kids and the geeks. there were two girls, sue horton and caroline o'neil, can't believe i still know their names. they knew the biker lads and i wanted to be a biker, okay so i wanted to shag caroline as well, but that was a side issue. they smoked so i started, easy as that really.

did i succeed? no to becoming a biker. no to sleeping with the girl. no, so far on hastening a natural death - still, there's time for that yet.

ah well, fag over. just like the day. normal saturday in the pub. hectic during the day for food, average for the beer sales. same people, same stories, same old depressing shit. yet for some reason i love it. am i the centre of attention, no, i dont think so. maybe soon i'll work out why i love working 80 hours a week and earning nothing.

if i had balls, i'd try to sleep with the 18 year old next door, unfortunately my financial position dictates that i can't lose this pub or my partner so i won't do that. there's always a reason not to isn't there.

ah well, sleep calls. i'll knock in tomorrow.

So, friday has gone, now its early saturday and another round of sleep, work, sleep awaits. okay, so i do what i love doing, which is why i am doing it after all, but i'm coming up to 38 and there has to be more.

i can't believe that everything can turn to shit so quickly, within a year i'm close to bankruptcy from selling my business and i'm stuck in a relationship due to money.

i have a 18 year old step daughter that has friends i'd like to shag, my dogs are old and dieing and my money and future has blown up in smoke.

still, it could be worse, i could be dead. would that be worse? who knows, and it's not somehting i can test out and come back from.

ah well, sleep beckons, but now i've found the urge to write i'll visit soon, maybe this will be cathartic, maybe it won't. either way, it'll be done.

until tomorrow my friend......